Guest Post: Nourishing Your Intellectual Life As a Mother
Practical tips from a Fulbright scholar and mother of nine
I remember vividly, in my stint as a stay-at-home mum, being treated as though I must be stupid if that’s all I could think of to do with my time. But while obviously no one’s brain stops working just because they’re caring for little children, I started late and only managed one baby. And that left little enough time to read, or so it seemed at the time. But when I speak to friends who are mothers of several little ones it’s clear that finding space for your own intellectual life can be easier said than done.
But it matters! With this in mind, this guest post comes from Fulbright scholar, horticultural therapist and mother of nine Mary Purpura. In it she offers some personal tips on keeping the intellectual lights on, while busy with a young family.
If you have a tip to add, please share in the comments!
Stack reading by your nursing spot
When you've got a nursing baby, you've got a lot of opportunity to read. Have the books and articles you're interested in reading right next to the chair you most frequently nurse in at home. You won't be able to take notes (or at least not very easily), but you will get a lot of reading done. I remember certain books that I read while I was nursing certain children. It added to the sweetness of the experience for me.
Keep in touch with a smart buddy
You’re gonna need a buddy, someone you can check in with often by phone. This could be a friend from high school or college, or another mom that you meet and vibe with. For years, from the time my oldest children were quite little until they were high school age, I spoke nearly daily with my friend, Kathy. We were both interested in history, literature, languages, current events, and ideas in general. We'd convene telephonically--Did you see this article in the Chronicle?; Surely, Bill Clinton will need to step down from the office of president now that his indiscretions with Monica Lewinsky have become public; What is the nature of an authentic and meaningful apology? etc.--and discuss.
We learned a lot together during those years, and practiced that skill of having different perspectives on an issue, discussing those different ideas with a respected conversation partner, and moving, perhaps, a little closer to truth as a result. As young mothers—and I think this is true of many young mothers--we were both deeply concerned about helping our children to develop an ethical framework to guide them through life. How does one navigate moral decisions and ethical choices? How does one grow into a person of integrity? Why is it important to become and remain authentic and honest? I would estimate that at least 75% of our conversations were centered on these issues.
Discover the world with your kids
Involve your kids in things you want to learn about. You can do this even with young children. Do you want to learn how to ID native plants or birds in your area? Forage? Learn about local geology? A couple of guides from the library, an outdoor adventure, and you're on your way.
Tune into the sheer joy of things that your children will reveal to you at every turn: the fascinating busy-ness of an anthill; how a quarter moon looks like a slice of lemon and a crescent moon looks like a fingernail clipping; how the poetry of Ogden Nash (“The cow is of the bovine ilk; One end is moo, the other, milk”) is so fun and enlivening to read out loud and laugh about; how reading T.S. Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats, you get to say ambrosial phrases like “Rum Tum Tugger” and “Bustopher Jones.” It’s a particularly healthy intellect and heart that can celebrate these delights. You get to do this and more with your kids.
Develop family interests
Every family will have different interests and passions. Our family was very involved with music. I knew, early on, that I wanted to continue learning about various kinds of music, and I wanted to introduce my children to the big, broad world of wonderful music beyond the very narrow band of what’s available on the radio. My oldest children were young long before you could stream anything ever created. We relied on tapes and CDs to listen to music from different parts of the world; songs and tunes from the American and British folk traditions; and unusual or “out-there” stuff, including Sugar Belly’s bamboo saxophone and recordings of healing or shamanic music from faraway lands. We played CDs in the car and at home, and I believe that curation of the aural atmosphere can set the mood for a drive or an afternoon.
My five oldest children also studied string instruments with the Suzuki method, which requires parental involvement. But you don’t need the Suzuki method to get involved with playing music with your children, if that’s your jam. Some parents take lessons along with their children, or just figure out ways to play and sing and listen together. Our household’s musical emphasis allowed me to expand my own musical knowledge, develop as a musician myself, and share something wonderful with my children. One of my daughters grew up to be a professional musician, but I think every one of my children has benefitted from an intimate relationship with music.
Become an expert in your family
I did a lot of study on child development when my children were young. I had questions about optimal learning environments and experiences for children, and I believe that a lot of what I learned proved useful to me in working with my children through the years. This was reading and study that I did in stolen moments, typically wee morning hours when I was awake before anyone else. Ditto a lot of research and study on nutrition, again motivated by a desire to provide optimal nourishment for my family.
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Do you have a tip to add to this, on nourishing your intellectual life as a busy mother? Please share in the comments!
Mary Purpura lives in northern California, in close connection to her family. She works as the horticultural therapist at a children’s hospice. If you enjoyed this and want to read more from Mary, you can find her here.
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I'm a corporate lawyer. The dumbest, and most predictable, conversations are with colleagues. The sharpest, most honest, conversations are with our kids. The idea that work is a place of nuanced erudition is nonsense. In fact, there is a serious issue as to how anyone retains any functioning intelligence in a workplace.
My first was born over 19 years ago, and I wasn’t prepared for how intellectually starved I felt. I was pregnant my last semester of grad school and then went straight to being a stay-at-home mom. My husband was in medical school, we lived far from family, and my circle of friends, who were already moms, only wanted to talk about kids and parenting. For some reason, I didn’t read while I breastfed. I think I found holding a book while juggling an infant awkward. I can’t remember. I watched a lot of tv instead, something I regret now as wasted time. However, I was driven by the conviction that staying home with my baby was the right thing to do. And it was. The sacrifice was worth it.
Fast forward a few years. I decided to homeschool my two kids, and suddenly, my brain was firing on all cylinders. There was research to do on educational philosophies and curricula. I got to relearn grammar, history, math, phonics, geography, and science. So often I found myself saying, “Ooooh, that’s what that means!” I saw all the holes in my own knowledge and education and tried to make sure my kids had a more comprehensive and unified understanding of all the subjects. I got to reread all the children’s classics and see my children delight in them. Reading them as an adult was an incredibly enriching experience. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t learn something new and it filled me up. I also corrected a lot of my own erroneous thinking. Silly me, I thought writing would be easier to teach than math. But most of all, I was with my kids. I saw their milestones and their triumphs and coached them through their failures. Sometimes they drove me crazy and I threatened to put them on the school bus, but it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done.
Now my kids are 19 and almost 16. I’m still a stay-at-home mom, but I do a lot of volunteer work and I read. And now that I’m looking at an empty nest in a few years, I’m considering going back to school again. My advice echoes the article’s—find the intellectual stimulation wherever you can, in whatever small pockets of time you can. I wish podcasts had existed when my kids were babies. But also be patient. Whatever season you’re in is short-lived and whatever sacrifices you make for your kids are worth it. The culture tells you to put yourself first, love yourself first, make your own happiness your number one priority. But I believe my calling is higher than that: to love others more than I love myself.