It's a practical, immanent problem generated by a broad scale metaphysical problem. There is much to say about mothering but the part that is not said, or rarely mentioned, is the troublesome big-picture part. Do we create our children, rather than receive them (or elect not to receive them) from wherever it is that children come? If the answer is yes, you create them, just as you allegedly create everything about your own life, then we are on the hook if we find ourselves "with child" and fail to abort the project. None of us have the excuse any more of claiming that the child just showed up and we're doing the best we can to deal with a difficult situation that has shackled our hearts and minds and energy. We DID THIS. We CHOSE. We have become accountable for assenting to manage a project the mission of which we cannot define. Their happiness? Their social utility? Our happiness and fulfillment? Their skill and talent as an NBA player? Admission to Harvard? Their capacity to tolerate the dissonance between human social reality and the abstractions of whatever current theory of human perfection happens to be running amok? I am thoroughly sympathetic toward those young people who are finding reasons not to marry and raise children. In a backhanded way they are acknowledging that this is all basically God's work, not our own; we are mere supporting actors, if not mere witnesses to our children's growth and development. They see the truth: we ought not get too excited about the prospect of being held accountable--or holding ourselves accountable--for the "outcomes" of God's sense of humor: using the uncontrollability of our children's lives to teach us humility, and also to teach us, if we are lucky, not to wear the outcome of the reality of it all as humiliation. A child illuminates all that is best about being alive, making it impossible to avoid the sting of the realization that we all fall short, and a lot of the time. Best to avoid parenting if you think you're going to get stuck between the awareness of your need for forgiveness and your willingness to accept such.
In the mid and late 80s, when I was having and raising children. I read Good-Enough Mothering that was recommended in a Parenting magazine I read at the pediatrician. As a result, I was the lone parent at Little League wondering WTG a Participation Trophy was and watched without a care as my kids tossed theirs in the closest rubbish bin. I also knew that I had to teach my kids to lose and learn to deal with it well, rather than the melt-downs I regularly witnessed everywhere but their tae kwon do competitions. Their father and I were also athletic and very competitive, so they learned to deal with it by watching how we dealt with loss. Dealing with hectoring mothers who insisted their child had won something they hadn't was a good contrast they didn't understand until they had their own children.
My sister, mother of three, says something that I consider essential for any parent: "If I had known better, I would have done better." It's been a lifesaver for me, as I tend to beat the crap out of myself for not having done better as a father.
The only time you mention the man is as a support when the woman wants more me time. Your solutions are all fully feminine. Your approach is to be a better mother by being more selfish. Maybe let go of some control and incorporate masculinity into the approach.
I think it is also worth saying that most parents come with some psychological baggage which they bring into the parental role, perhaps unconsciously. I was the child of a broken home; some baggage there. When I had my own children I tried to do everything the opposite of the way I had been brought up. That meant some over-compensation in giving my children attention. I wasn't being 'too good'; I was just reacting to my own past and hoping my methods would work out. But I also had my limits. The children remember me saying on occasion, as they were arguing and playing and shouting around me, 'Oh do be quiet and let me read my book in peace!'
That's what will save you, more femininity, more compassion, more introspection. Let's turn inward more. How about just getting out and doing productive shit and feeling like you accomplished something because you did.
Thank you for exploring this topic. I felt the same when I was introduced to the Good Enough Mother after I had my first child over 20 years ago. What a relief to find out that the varying states of attunement, miss-attunement/repair AND miss-attunement without repair were not only inevitable but supported developing resilience. I work with families and I am currently reading this book and recommending it - The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships Are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust. - This growing relationship we have with our children - I want the same for all parents. Our children truly are our best opportunity to have the best relationships in this life if we can manage the relentless dance of holding on and letting go. My children both love to travel. My daughter is doing her semester abroad in London. She shared her location with us because as she put it - "This seems smart especially when I am traveling alone." But the girl knows her mother and had to add - "Mom, this does not give you license to stalk me." I've done pretty well. But I failed this morning as I watched her dot/photo make her way to the Amsterdam airport. Good enough!
Not sure the two women speaking here are as aware of what has made them feel the way they do as they need to be if they are to make so many declarative statements.
For example, childhood family dynamics are the foundation to a lot of the beliefs and preferences we adopt as parents.
I couldn't help thinking of Kellie Jay Keen during this discussion.
Kellie Jay takes no prisoners, is definitely no door mat and yet being at home with the kids appears to have created a very fulfilling life for her.
Had her father been abusive, or had her mother abandoned her, might she too have felt the need to assert her separateness more?
I get the impression Kellie Jay definitely has her boundaries, she loves her kids, but she is as concerned about mother's, and husband's as she is about children in her struggle with the trans cult.
In China the too good mother is known as the Tiger mother. Xi jumping has expressed alarm that China's young men are big issues and sees this as a threat to national security.
The way kids are leaving to iconoclasm in the West, displaying a deep disgust with their own society, I think he may be onto something
This is a worthy topic. However I feel that using terminology like “too good” or “perfect” isn’t helpful because it doesn’t correctly describe the issue; it convolutes excess and extreme with goodness and perfection. As we know from Goldilocks, too much (or too little) of anything can never be thought of as good or perfect; when taking measure, too much or too little is actually the definition of imperfect. So the problem you are attempting to describe would more accurately be called imprudent or excessive mothering. Goodness and perfection are virtues worth striving toward - however unattainable - but we need to understand them as actions and principles operating within their proper time and place. To everything there is a season.
…I woke up yesterday morning thinking about my Mother and wrote this poem:
Dear Mum
Thank you for letting a stranger into your body.
For we were strangers,
You and I.
And I did not know you,
Nor you, me.
What were your thoughts
When I entered this World through you?
Alien to your Heart and Soul
But not your Flesh.
You were too good a Mother
To love me just because I was Yours.
Yet you fed me
And I am here now because of you.
……..And you prayed to St Jude…
Patron Saint of hopeless cases.
Never once letting me know that he was your consolation.
What a Mother!
I Thank You!
And despite, or maybe because…..
We remained together ‘till the end.
Your end,
For Here,
For Now.
And then…..
At last ……I saw You!
I saw who you are.
Who you always have been.
How your strange love
And our strangeness
Was perfect.
Being a…..part of you
I found the missing part of me.
The tyrannical patriarchy is dead. Welcome to the tyrannical matriarchy.
The image used at the top of the essay is by visionary artist, mother and co-founder of Hedgespoken Press, Rima Staines. www.rimastaines.com
Lovely speaking with you Mary! Turned out well for an experiment with audio :)
It's a practical, immanent problem generated by a broad scale metaphysical problem. There is much to say about mothering but the part that is not said, or rarely mentioned, is the troublesome big-picture part. Do we create our children, rather than receive them (or elect not to receive them) from wherever it is that children come? If the answer is yes, you create them, just as you allegedly create everything about your own life, then we are on the hook if we find ourselves "with child" and fail to abort the project. None of us have the excuse any more of claiming that the child just showed up and we're doing the best we can to deal with a difficult situation that has shackled our hearts and minds and energy. We DID THIS. We CHOSE. We have become accountable for assenting to manage a project the mission of which we cannot define. Their happiness? Their social utility? Our happiness and fulfillment? Their skill and talent as an NBA player? Admission to Harvard? Their capacity to tolerate the dissonance between human social reality and the abstractions of whatever current theory of human perfection happens to be running amok? I am thoroughly sympathetic toward those young people who are finding reasons not to marry and raise children. In a backhanded way they are acknowledging that this is all basically God's work, not our own; we are mere supporting actors, if not mere witnesses to our children's growth and development. They see the truth: we ought not get too excited about the prospect of being held accountable--or holding ourselves accountable--for the "outcomes" of God's sense of humor: using the uncontrollability of our children's lives to teach us humility, and also to teach us, if we are lucky, not to wear the outcome of the reality of it all as humiliation. A child illuminates all that is best about being alive, making it impossible to avoid the sting of the realization that we all fall short, and a lot of the time. Best to avoid parenting if you think you're going to get stuck between the awareness of your need for forgiveness and your willingness to accept such.
In the mid and late 80s, when I was having and raising children. I read Good-Enough Mothering that was recommended in a Parenting magazine I read at the pediatrician. As a result, I was the lone parent at Little League wondering WTG a Participation Trophy was and watched without a care as my kids tossed theirs in the closest rubbish bin. I also knew that I had to teach my kids to lose and learn to deal with it well, rather than the melt-downs I regularly witnessed everywhere but their tae kwon do competitions. Their father and I were also athletic and very competitive, so they learned to deal with it by watching how we dealt with loss. Dealing with hectoring mothers who insisted their child had won something they hadn't was a good contrast they didn't understand until they had their own children.
My sister, mother of three, says something that I consider essential for any parent: "If I had known better, I would have done better." It's been a lifesaver for me, as I tend to beat the crap out of myself for not having done better as a father.
The only time you mention the man is as a support when the woman wants more me time. Your solutions are all fully feminine. Your approach is to be a better mother by being more selfish. Maybe let go of some control and incorporate masculinity into the approach.
I think it is also worth saying that most parents come with some psychological baggage which they bring into the parental role, perhaps unconsciously. I was the child of a broken home; some baggage there. When I had my own children I tried to do everything the opposite of the way I had been brought up. That meant some over-compensation in giving my children attention. I wasn't being 'too good'; I was just reacting to my own past and hoping my methods would work out. But I also had my limits. The children remember me saying on occasion, as they were arguing and playing and shouting around me, 'Oh do be quiet and let me read my book in peace!'
That's what will save you, more femininity, more compassion, more introspection. Let's turn inward more. How about just getting out and doing productive shit and feeling like you accomplished something because you did.
Thank you for exploring this topic. I felt the same when I was introduced to the Good Enough Mother after I had my first child over 20 years ago. What a relief to find out that the varying states of attunement, miss-attunement/repair AND miss-attunement without repair were not only inevitable but supported developing resilience. I work with families and I am currently reading this book and recommending it - The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships Are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust. - This growing relationship we have with our children - I want the same for all parents. Our children truly are our best opportunity to have the best relationships in this life if we can manage the relentless dance of holding on and letting go. My children both love to travel. My daughter is doing her semester abroad in London. She shared her location with us because as she put it - "This seems smart especially when I am traveling alone." But the girl knows her mother and had to add - "Mom, this does not give you license to stalk me." I've done pretty well. But I failed this morning as I watched her dot/photo make her way to the Amsterdam airport. Good enough!
Not sure the two women speaking here are as aware of what has made them feel the way they do as they need to be if they are to make so many declarative statements.
For example, childhood family dynamics are the foundation to a lot of the beliefs and preferences we adopt as parents.
I couldn't help thinking of Kellie Jay Keen during this discussion.
Kellie Jay takes no prisoners, is definitely no door mat and yet being at home with the kids appears to have created a very fulfilling life for her.
Had her father been abusive, or had her mother abandoned her, might she too have felt the need to assert her separateness more?
I get the impression Kellie Jay definitely has her boundaries, she loves her kids, but she is as concerned about mother's, and husband's as she is about children in her struggle with the trans cult.
In China the too good mother is known as the Tiger mother. Xi jumping has expressed alarm that China's young men are big issues and sees this as a threat to national security.
The way kids are leaving to iconoclasm in the West, displaying a deep disgust with their own society, I think he may be onto something
This is a worthy topic. However I feel that using terminology like “too good” or “perfect” isn’t helpful because it doesn’t correctly describe the issue; it convolutes excess and extreme with goodness and perfection. As we know from Goldilocks, too much (or too little) of anything can never be thought of as good or perfect; when taking measure, too much or too little is actually the definition of imperfect. So the problem you are attempting to describe would more accurately be called imprudent or excessive mothering. Goodness and perfection are virtues worth striving toward - however unattainable - but we need to understand them as actions and principles operating within their proper time and place. To everything there is a season.
I wonder if the author’s family is related to my family “Leifer”. Does she have and Hasidic Jewish roots?
I am so grateful for this conversation. Thank you.